FLASHBACK: 20 REASONS TO HATE METALLICA — 30 YEARS LATER

Back in the fall of 1996, I published an article called “20 Reasons to Hate Metallica” in Ant: The Only Cool Magazine That Bites, a hard-rock and metal zine I edited and published during the mid-’90s. Much to my surprise, Nikki Sixx of Mötley Crüe and Sebastian Bach, formerly of Skid Row, both loved the article and started circulating it in the metal folders on America Online. Before I knew it, the thing had practically gone viral — or at least as viral as something could go in 1996, when social media didn’t exist and people were still waiting for their dial-up modems to connect.

So why am I digging it up 30 years later?

Well, it seems James Hetfield has given me another reason to be irritated with Metallica.

During a recent concert at the Sphere in Las Vegas, Hetfield took it upon himself to announce that Metallica wasn’t there to influence anyone with political bullshit, unlike certain other entertainers. He went on to explain that the band was there to help people forget about all the problems outside the concert venue.

Now, I have absolutely no problem with musicians who prefer not to discuss politics during their concerts. I can appreciate wanting to give audiences a couple of hours of escapism. People pay good money to hear music, and not everybody wants a political lecture between songs.

But here’s a thought, James: If you don’t want to talk about politics, THEN DON’T FUCKING TALK ABOUT POLITICS.

Don’t bring up the subject just to congratulate yourself for being too enlightened to discuss it. And don’t take a swipe at other musicians who actually have the courage to speak their minds, then pretend you’re somehow above the whole thing.

Personally, I think we’re living through a particularly dangerous period in American history. I believe people with influential platforms should be speaking out now more than ever. And while I don’t expect every musician to share my political opinions, I find this sort of conspicuous refusal to engage especially frustrating. To me, it comes across less like admirable neutrality and more like an attempt to avoid upsetting the MAGA crowd.

You don’t have to turn every concert into a political rally. But there’s a difference between choosing not to discuss politics and publicly criticizing the people who do.

Anyway, Hetfield’s remarks reminded me of my old article, and I thought it might be amusing to dust it off and share it with a new generation.

I’m not saying I necessarily agree with every word I wrote back in 1996. I was younger, considerably more sarcastic, and apparently had a lot more time on my hands. But I still think the article is pretty funny.

And apparently, some things never change.

So, without further ado, here’s my original list of 20 Reasons to Hate Metallica, exactly 30 years after it first appeared in Ant, unedited.

1. Lars Ulrich . . . He’s gotta be the worst spokesperson on earth. Talks in circles more than Mr. Brady . . . and he sounds almost as phony.
2. Kirk Hammett has apparently developed photogenic cigar dependency and apparently cannot be photographed without a cigar in his hand or mouth. Also, he looks more like one of those Calvin Klein AD boys everyday.
3. They said they’d never do videos, then they did one–or, actually, two–for “One.” And one for every damn single they’ve released since.
4. Metallica’s Load contest on MTV. As if it isn’t lame in itself, it’s ironic that the band who won’t travel in buses (because of an accident that killed their previous bassist Cliff Burton) is willing to ride in the back of a freight truck for a highly publicized contest. And who named this contest anyway? Beavis & Butthead?
5. Speaking of Load, talk about a dumb album title. Maybe Beavis & Butthead named the album, too.
6. Album covers. Load and the so-called “black album” have horribly lame album covers. The dozens of T-shirts drawn by artist Pushead back in the day were far superior to this crap.
7. “Nothing Else Matters.” Sure, they can knock bands like Winger that were known for their ballads but then they go ahead and write one of the lamest we’ve ever heard themselves . . . and even have the nerve to throw darts at a picture of Kip Winger in the video.
8. Make up. Didn’t you slag bands for wearing it back in the ’80’s? Sorry guys, but Bret Michaels looked much cooler in make up than Lars ever will.
9. “Mama Said.” Last album you expanded your horizons with a lame ballad. This time, a country song. Sure you still want to be known as METALLica?
10. After years of portraying a tight unit, recent interviews reveal that Lars and James were always running the show and that Kirk and Jason weren’t allowed to express much input.
11. Speaking of Lars and James . . . Bob Rock did a damn fine job producing the last album himself. This time you had to add your two cents and the production is only half as amazing.
12. The chorus of “Until It Sleeps” sounds like a Megadeth rip-off and the verses sound like a cheap Eddie Vedder impersonation. Dumb video, too. Do you want people to start associating rock music with Satanism again?
13. James Hetfield has apparently developed the mental condition known as CHA being that he can’t sing–or even shout–simple words like “bitch” without adding the syllable “cha” to the end of the word.
14. Lollapalooza. It would almost be cool that they’re playing it if the event itself hadn’t turned into an overly commercial and pseudo-political gathering of the least alternative bands and fans on the planet.
15. Jason Newsted’s stupid faces. I mean, does this guy always look like he has to take a shit or what?
16. Do any of them ever look like they’re having fun anymore for that matter? Even in the Kill ‘Em All and Ride The Lightning days when the music was filled with anger and more anger they at least smiled in pictures.
17. No (complete) lyrics in the new CD insert . . .
18. . . . but, instead, dozens of pictures to assure you that they really look like Soundgarden now.
19. Speaking of the lyrics, are they supposed to make sense? Bad enough they’re not printed and James mispronounces every other word.
20. They sound as though they don’t give a damn about being cool and selling millions and millions of records, but, given the above, I think it’s clear that it’s their main priority.